


within this nightmare, a beating heart

by rubylily



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Bittersweet, F/F, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-08-23 06:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20238088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubylily/pseuds/rubylily
Summary: For Homura and Mami, battling witches is a lonesome burden.





	within this nightmare, a beating heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [VampirePaladin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampirePaladin/gifts).

One time, several timelines ago, Madoka had asked Homura a question. Or rather, she asked that question every couple of timelines. Sometimes Sayaka asked her that question too. Once it had been Mami, after Sayaka and Kyoko had been killed by a witch.

"How many people have you seen die?"

The nightmares were always the same. Magical girls stabbed repeatedly, slashed into pieces, crushed to death. Magical girls screaming as they transformed into witches. The shattering of Soul Gems as magical girls took their own lives when they could no longer endure that painful, thankless burden. Some magical girls Homura had killed by her own hand, and their screams echoed loudest of all. Over and over she saw the same magical girls die, failing to save them yet again, and she had lost count a long time ago.

"Homura-chan, what's wrong?"

Homura's eyes shot open, and Madoka and Sayaka stood near her desk. She bit her lip; she'd fallen asleep in class. She touched her cheeks, but felt no tears, much to her relief. When she suffered nightmares, she often awoke crying.

Sayaka grinned. "Don't worry. Class is over, and the teacher didn't even notice you sleeping."

Madoka, however, appeared far more concerned. "Are you feeling sick? Do you want me to take you to the nurse's office?"

Homura shook her head as she stood and grabbed her bag. "No, I'll be fine. I just went to bed late last night, that's all." That wasn't a lie, not quite.

An awkward smile came upon Madoka's lips. "Well, don't push yourself too hard, okay? Sleep is important too."

"That's our health rep!" Sayaka exclaimed as she patted Madoka's back. "Always looking out for others!"

"Thank you for your concern." Homura bowed her head, and she brushed past Madoka and Sayaka to leave the classroom. Neither of them had contracted yet in this timeline, nor had Kyubey shown any signs of targeting them, but it was too early to let down her guard.

As she headed down the hallway, she spotted Tomoe Mami with a teacher, and the teacher's expression was stern. Homura had revealed herself as a magical girl to Mami in this timeline, but they had yet to team up. Kyubey was already suspicious of her, and she found it harder and harder to keep her cool around him, knowing what he was truly like, and Mami never believed her when she told the truth. So she had to fight from the shadows, and that painful yearning in her chest only grew stronger the further she and Mami drifted apart.

She tried to inch closer to Mami and the teacher, wanting to hear the conversation, but she also took care not to be seen. She really had no desire to explain herself to Mami if caught in such an awkward situation.

"…and your absences are beginning to take a toll on your grades," the teacher said.

"I apologize, ma'am," Mami replied, and her expression was blank. "I'll try to work harder."

"You also have to start thinking of high school exams," the teacher went on. "It'll be time to choose a high school before you know it."

"Yes, of course," was all Mami said in response.

Eventually the teacher let Mami go, and Homura continued down the hallway in the opposite direction of Mami. Now that she thought about it, she didn't know if Mami had ever considered continuing to high school. Not that Homura had ever thought much about the future of her own education either.

She left the school building, passing laughing, carefree classmates. Maybe if she hadn't become a magical girl, she could've joined clubs like a normal girl, but even before contracting with Kyubey, she'd been in too poor of health to even consider a club or sport.

And if not for magical girls, she never would have met Madoka or Mami in the first place…

Her ring began to burn around her finger, and she quickly ducked into a shadowed spot to summon her Soul Gem, and just as she feared, it was reacting strongly. A witch, this close to the school? She swore under her breath; whenever a witch had manifested near the school in past timelines, there were always fatalities, and often even Mami and Madoka…

She shook her head. Why was she thinking of Mami so often lately again? She had discarded those feelings to protect Mami. As long as she kept her distance, Mami could take care of herself, and if Homura defeated this witch on her own, that was one less witch Mami had to endanger herself fighting.

Following the reaction of her Soul Gem, Homura walked along the perimeter of the school gates, and in the far back, near a cluster of overgrown trees students rarely ventured, was what Homura was sneaking: a Grief Seed beginning to spread like the shadow of a spider. After ensuring no students were nearby to witness her, she transformed into her magical girl costume and approached the Grief Seed without hesitation.

As long as she could defeat all of the witches by herself, she would save Madoka and free herself from this endless maze without needing to sacrifice anyone else.

When she entered the witch's labyrinth, she was hit by a blast of cold air, and she shivered violently. This labyrinth looked like a ruined version of the school, and everything was covered in ice and snow. She'd never encountered a witch like this in any of her past timelines, not as far as she could remember.

(But with how many times she had relived this month, she knew better than anyone that her memories weren't always reliable, and she had forgotten so much already…)

She took a hesitant step forward, being careful not to slip on the ice, and the sharp cold bit into her flesh. If she stayed too long, she could freeze to death, and not even her magic would be able to save her from that, so she had to find and defeat the witch quickly.

As she walked, she saw herself reflected in the walls of ice, and the reflections grew increasingly more grotesque, and in one she spotted a skeleton in a black dress with red spider lilies growing out of its skull. She drew her gun from her shield and was about to fire before she realized it was just another one of her distorted reflections. The skeleton stared back at her, and it seemed to scream so mournfully, but none would ever hear its cries.

She lowered her gun, and her breathing grew rough and tired. Why did this labyrinth have to be so cold? She looked up at the sky, which almost appeared crystalline, as if she was in some kind of snow globe.

"Akemi-san…"

Jolting at the sound of that familiar voice, Homura whirled around frantically searching, and on all the walls of ice were reflections of Mami, surrounding Homura on all sides. Mami and Madoka saving Homura from that art witch. Madoka killing Mami to save Homura. Mami being crushed by a witch. Mami and Homura battling in the garden witch's labyrinth. Mami and Homura sharing a kiss under the moonlight. Mami's voice echoed throughout, with both words of love and words of hate for Homura.

Homura covered her ears and shut her eyes tightly. She had cast aside these memories. Her hands were too covered in blood to love Mami. If she tried to save everyone, she just made things worse, over and over…

"Is that why you've given up on me?"

"Shut up!" Homura screamed. "I know what kind of witch you are! You're not Mami!"

All the reflections of Mami cracked, and blood pooled around the fractures before the ice shattered into countless pieces, and a red mist fell upon Homura. She tried to flee, but her back hit a block of ice, and before she even had a chance to blink, shards of ice pierced her palms, spreading her arms apart and nailing her to the solid ice, and she screamed.

As she stood vulnerable a position like a cross, more shards of ice pierced her body, seemingly avoiding the most vital areas, as if trying to prolong the pain. Her blood stained the ice, and her throat soon grew hoarse from screaming.

"Akemi-san, you're an unusual girl, aren't you?"

With each shard of ice that pierced Homura's body, another memory of Mami was reflected on the surviving walls of ice. Blood dripped from Homura's countless wounds, but with her palms pinned to the freezing ice, she couldn't reach for her shield, nor could she concentrate enough to use her magic to dull the pain. Her Soul Gem was vulnerable, but for some reason the ice shards seem to avoid it, so if only she could free herself…

"How can you say you love me? I'm no hero. I'm just a lonely, selfish girl who keeps dragging other people into danger. Or are you saying you're the same as me?"

Each reflection revealed a different memory, both painful and tender, but most grotesque were the various ways Mami had been killed. Sometimes she was torn apart, her organs spilling over Homura, sometimes her head was torn from her body, and sometimes she destroyed her own Soul Gem. Over and over Homura had seen Mami die, unable to save her.

"Mami…" Homura cried, and her blood began to freeze on her skin. She hated witches like these most of all, witches like the art witch or the television witch that preyed on guilt, because she could never win against them.

In one reflection, Mami was torn in two by a witch, and it had been the first time Homura had seen so much blood. In another, her head was crushed, shattering the Soul Gem in her hair. In another, she shot her own Soul Gem, tired of all the thankless fighting. In another, Homura killed Mami with her own hands.

A creature like a shadow appeared in front of Homura, its icy body reflecting only darkness. "Akemi-san," the witch said in a mockery of Mami's voice, "why won't you save me?"

"I…" Homura tried to say, but she was too tired to speak. What more could she say? She had tried to bury her feelings for Mami after failing so many times. Even if she managed to break this cycle, Mami would never forgive her. Even if she saved Madoka, Mami was still cursed to the cruel fate of a magical girl…

Bright ribbons appeared around the witch, and the ice binding Homura shattered, and she fell to the ground, too exhausted to stand. But through all the tears and blood obscuring her gaze, she could at least see Mami, armed with her magic rifles.

The witch let out a deathly shriek and charged for Mami, but Mami conjured more ribbons to restrain the witch. The witch struggled violently, unable to break free, and with a flick of her wrist, Mami summoned her largest weapon.

"Tiro Finale!" she shouted as she fired, leaving no trace of the ice witch except for a Grief Seed.

Homura inched closer to Mami, and pain still filled her bloodstained body. Even now she was in awe of how quickly Mami could defeat witches. But she was probably only dreaming out of desperation. After so long, Mami would never save her, not with all the horrible things Homura had done…

As the labyrinth began to dissolve, Mami took the Grief Seed, and the last thing Homura saw before darkness overtook her vision was Mami's tear-soaked face.

* * *

When Homura awoke, she almost didn't recognize the bed she was lying in. After all, it had been a long time since she had last visited this place, so that was hardly surprising. But when she finally realized this was Mami's bedroom, her blood ran cold.

Mami had saved her. That hadn't been a dream. She sat up, seeing she now wore a simple nightgown, and her cleaned school uniform lay neatly folded on a nearby chair. She summoned her Soul Gem, and it too had been cleansed.

As her Soul Gem returned to the form of a ring, she wrapped her arms around herself as a sudden chill came over her. She'd been nothing but cold and dismissive of Mami in this timeline, so why had Mami saved her? No, that wasn't it, Homura told herself. Mami hadn't saved her specifically. Mami had simply been fighting a witch and had just happened to rescue Homura too. Mami was only playing the part of proper magical girl. There was no deeper meaning, and Homura's chest ached.

The door opened, and Homura jolted as Mami stepped inside. "Oh, Akemi-san, you're finally awake," she said with that familiar faint smile. "I was growing worried."

"Tomoe Mami," Homura said with a nod, trying to keep her expression neutral.

"I used my magic to heal your wounds." Mami sat on the edge of the bed, and something dark flickered across her face. "It's unbelievable what a magical girl can endure."

"As long as our Soul Gems aren't damaged, we magical girls can survive almost anything," Homura muttered. She looked past Mami, but much to her relief she saw no signs of Kyubey.

"Akemi-san, what's wrong?" Mami asked, concern clear on her face.

Homura shook her head. "Thank you for saving me," she whispered; it was the least she could do.

Mami laid her hand over Homura's, and Homura tensed; she had missed this warmth. "I never imagined a witch would appear near the school like that," Mami said, and her bright eyes grew clouded. "I know magical girls are in competition for Grief Seeds, that's what they all say, but… you've could've asked me for help."

"I didn't want to put you in danger again," Homura said without thinking, and she couldn't stop her fingers from curling around Mami's. She felt like her former, ignorant self, blushing and lovesick around the girl she admired most.

"We're always in danger." Mami let out a dark, humorless chuckle. "That's our fate as magical girls, so why… why do we all have to be rivals…?"

Homura forced herself to meet Mami's gaze, and she recognized that look in Mami's eyes, the look of a lonely girl willing to accept the desperate love of another broken girl. So Homura pressed her lips against Mami's, and Mami's arms snapped tightly around her, almost like a vice.

Whenever Homura succumbed to her feelings for Mami, things always went wrong, and this timeline would probably be no different. To save everyone, she would probably need to steal the power of a god and remake the world herself. But even when she failed again, she would keep fighting until they were all free.


End file.
